Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Overheard at Dinner

From the six year old girl child:

"I have a plan, and eeeeviiiiillll plan."

Greeeeaaaattttt....I can hardly wait for the teenage years.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Why Being Nosey Never Pays

So I have been keeping myself busy doing some freelance writing. Its an interesting opportunity that provides me with constant need to educate myself about new and different topics. Everyday I will get a pack of 5-15 articles on a particular topic or topics that I need to write 400 word articles about. Typically, these packs include a website that I will be writing for, so that I can see what point of view or position I should be supporting. When I receive these packs, my first step is always to check the link, to make sure that it is working.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. The general topic for my articles was improving your married sex life. A little more risque than I had been assigned before, but heck, I'm a grown up, I can hack it. I checked the link, and it brought up a website called "Why Am I in a Sexless Marriage?" Not surprisingly, it featured pictured of vibrators and dildos and such. Since the kids were home, I quickly clicked on another tab, effectively leaving the images buried, and then rushed out the door with the girl child to go to Daisies.

That left the boy and his dad at home. Alone.

Apparently the hubbers needed to use my computer for something. And saw my tabs.

The next day, I called him, and he asked "Why?", I replied that I was thinking of him. Again, he asked "Why, what did you do??". I replied "Nothing really, just the articles that I am writing today are making me giggle."

"Oh, why? What are they about?"

"Improving your married sex life."

"Oh THANK GOD!!! I thought we maybe needed to have a talk or something."

And that should teach him to snoop.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dude, I am Totally Stroking Out

So, less than 12 hours from now, I will be putting my two littlies on the bus together for the first time for school. I am a wreck. Which is quite amusing, considering that both of them have been to school before. Of course, they were going to *different* schools, and I didn't have to put them *both* on the same bus...but still. I can't quote put my finger on it, but I feel like I am going to LOSE IT.

The boy has recently been striken with a rash of violent behavior toward his sister. 3 times this summer, I have had to speak to him about punching her...which is *so* not like him. I keep trying to delve into his 7.5 year old psyche, to figure out what is troubling him, with no luck. I *think* that he is just not real happy about her starting to go to HIS school. Last year he had his school, she had hers, and never the twain should meet. This year it will be different for him (and her). The thing is, she is delighted. She tends to pretty well think that her brother hung the moon, so she derives no small amount of delight from the fact that she will be able to see him in the hallways. Add to that the fact that she has his teacher from last year, and she seems to pretty well think that she won the lottery. He on the otherhand appears to be rather distraught about having her invade his realm.

Trying to look at it objectively, I suppose I can understand where he is coming from. The boy has a very sweet, very submissive personality. He would rather not be the center of attention, unless it is to make people - and very few people at that - laugh. He is fine with being praised and lauded for his athletic prowess, but he really never seeks out the limelight. *She* of course spends her life dashing from spotlight to spotlight. A born performer, this child LOVES to have all eyes - and ears - on her. She is a pretty little thing (if I do say so myself), and knows how to work a room. Anytime that the two of them have a shared territory, the boy sort of lives in her shadow. He spends countless hours being embarrassed by her attention getting antics. ANd he is constantly having people coo all over his little sister and then make comments to him about how cute/sweet/smart/talented/whatever his sister is. That has *got* to get old for him.

My maternal instinct wants to shield him from this. But how can I protect him from the horror that is his adorable, outgoing sister without squelching her personality? As far as I can see it, I can't. All that I guess I can really do is hug and love him, and give him whatever spotlight he wants here, at home.

Here's to the back to school bruhaha. I hope that this year brings academic success to all of the students, teachers and administrators, and some well deserved pece and quiet to the parents. May their bus rides be safe, they lunchrooms be clean, and their homework be turned in on time. Have a good school year! We'll talk again soon.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Face Time

When I was in high school I was extremely blessed. My skin got through 4 years without so much as a single blemish of note. College was much the same story. I often looked with a mixture of pity and morbid curiosity at those who suffered from acne. As I entered my early twenties though, there was a shift in the weather, and I started to experience breakouts. Which I was entirely unprepared to deal with. I had always washed my face with a facial cleanser and toned and moisturized. Nothing in my routine had changed, but still, I found myself with red bumpiness appearing hither, tither and yon.

This led to years of frantic searching for the *right* combination of skincare products. Things that would render me blemish free and dewy, able to face the world without makeup. Like most people, I only had minimal success. Neutrogena, Almay, didn't seem to matter, none of them quite did the trick. I spent about 2 years relying on a combination of Neutrogena "Pore Refining" products that kept things, *mostly* under control. Even then though, it was only mostly. On my best day, I still required some sort of make-up to hide some discoloration.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding were very good to me in this aspect. My skin had not looked so good since high school. And I loved it. And I think on some level, it was why I was so happy to have my babies back to back...I was able to go for a solid 3 year period without having to suffer problem skin too badly. Alas, this too had to come to an end, and I went back to my routine.

It was around this time that I got hit with a terrible and fateful bit of insomnia. I laid in bed, listening to my husband snore, and the baby grunt and couldn't find the remote. The TV programming switched to an infomercial, and I sat there helpless to look away, as some lady extolled the virtues of some make-up line that seemed to hinge on a product called "Mineral Veil" and apparently only worked if you "swirled, tapped and buffed". In my late night delirium it seemed interesting. And more expensive than I would be indulging in any time soon. And it was an infomercial, so I divined that it must be a buncha whooey.

Oddly enough, the next day when I went into work, I stumbled upon one of my employees applying her make-up. Even from a distance, I could clearly see her swirl, tap and buffing herself. As I got closer, I couldn't help but to ask, "Is that that Mineral Veil stuff?". It was. And she loved it. And continued on to gush about the wonders of Bare Minerals. What an odd coincidence.

A few weeks later, I was again trolling for sleep with no success when the infomercial came back on. This time I thought to myself "Excellent! It was only midly intersting the first go round, so this is *bound* to knock me out." The next day, we left for a trip to Disney, where we met up with my step-son and my husband's ex-wife. She and I got to talking, as we were wont to do, and somehow, the subject of make-up and skincare came up. Turns out, she had been using Bare Minerals for a few years and loved it. It was at that point that I decided that the universe was trying to send me a sign. When we got home from vacation, I ordered a starter kit, loved it and have never looked back. I have since turned at least 3 friends on to the stuff, because it is wonderful. I find that my skin always looks better if I sleep in one or two nights a week.

It was around that time that I also stumbled upon the philosophy line of skin care. Their Purity Made Simple and Hope In A... lines made my skin look better than ever before. I happily trotted up to Sephora every chance I got, and stocked up.

Then we moved. And the only way for me to stay stocked was to order my make-up and skin care stuff online. Which I hate. I finally found somewhere within driving distance to buy the make-up (which honestly I only need to replenish every year or so), but no dice on the philosophy products.

I recently ran out, and have been trying to find a suitable, less costly replacement that I can buy in a local store. I figure if I can find one, great! If I cannot, then I will feel less guilty about the indulgence.

I have re-tried Neutrogena, and find that I don't like it.
I am now trialing the Burt's Bees Radiance Line. The jury is still out. Anyone else use this, or have any insight?
Do any of you have any good recommendations? By the way, in case you were wondering, no one paid me to do this. Though if they would like to... ;-)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Because It Wasn't Enough to Dress Her Like a Showgirl...

Back to school shopping season is in full swing once again and I am now fretting and genuinely missing the school uniform experience from last year. You don't realize how relieving it is to not have to make wardrobe decisions for a 5/6 year old girl until you are confronted with the meager offerings that are out there. And by meager, I don't mean a lack of selection. I mean a lack of substance.

Apparently dressing your grammar school girl like a hooker is all the rage. And I didn't get the memo. And it really makes me angry. Not the part about not getting the memo, the part about the tiny hookers. Seems like, unless I am willing to take out the necessary 2nd mortgage required to afford a Gymboree wardrobe I am supposed to dress my daughter for a day at the brothel. To go to school. Sequins, snotty sayings, super tight jeans, super short skirts, rips, slashes and see through places in spots that aren't even worth looking at on a 5 (almost 6) year old yet. Apparently I am either hopelessly UNhip or there is some big practical joke that I am the butt of.

I blame the Disney channel. Which you have to believe, pains me to no end. I love me some Disney. Love.IT. the home of Hannah Montana they have to shoulder some of the blame here. Hannah Montana dresses like a rock star. Which makes sense, being a singing sensation and all. She is flashy. And a little skimpy. But hey, she is a tween/teenager, so that is OK. Unfortch, it seems that the old marketing geniuses at Disney decided that the tween crowd wasn't enough, so they market her show/clothes/cult following to kids as small as a size 4. Now. Don't get me wrong...I think Miley Cyrus is a lovely role model for tweenagers. She is appropriately angsty and innocent...boy crazy and mild. She has completely age appropriate trials and tribulations, and I could hope for nothing more than for my daughter to take after her...when she herself is a tween. But she is not. She is 5 (almost 6). She has NO BUSINESS watching that show. And so she doesn't get to. I know however, in a few short weeks, she will skip off to public elementary school where Miley Cyrus is all the rage. And I know enough to realize that I can't prevent her from learning about and hearing about Hannah Montana from her friends. Her friends who will all be sporting flashy/trashy Hannah Montana hooker gear...

I suppose the upshot is, that if I did dress her like a hooker she could bring in the cash to fund a Gymboree wardrobe? Not that I would pimp out my kid. But seriously.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Whooo are you?

I keep seeing hits here on the old blog, and I have to ask, who are you people? I figure if I am letting ya down by not updating more often, I should at least know who I am being a major disappointment to. Who knows, maybe it will even inspire me to subject you to my drivel on a less infrequent basis...

Not a whole lot going on here...just sort of keeping my head above water, and figuring out what to do with myself now that my partner in crime is in school.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Magic of Icing

True proof of just how much I love my little boy...we built a car together...out of cake...I think it came out rather swell!

And he was pretty proud!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Why School Girls are So Popular

We are in SOO much trouble

Wonder if we can get a discount on uniforms for the cuteness factor???

My little big kid...jumping right in and joining the class

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The One Where I MIght Actually Get Burned at the Stake...

See, there is a reason that I was given that book when I was...

In order to enroll Sabrina in private school, we have to fill out a questionnaire...because it is a Biblically driven program, we have religious questions to answer...because I am me, I find it physically impossible to answer these questions without firmly planting my tongue in my cheek...and since this is a Christian Academy, they probably won't laugh at all...and because we need them to accept her, I wrote my answers in pencil, erased them and will have to hire a ghost writer to fill them out appropriately for me...

1. Explain your relationship with Jesus Christ.
He is my mother's cousin's husband's brother's mother-in-law's neighbor. So mostly we only see him at Easter and Christmas. Except this one time, when we both had a little too much egg nog, and went streaking through the neighborhood...and woke up naked in a jail cell together, with a really bad hangover...but it didn't mean anything, really...

2. What is the place of the Bible in molding values and discipline?
If you get just the right angle with it, it is wonderful for beating some sense into your kids with.

3. Describe the practice of prayer and Bible study in your lives.
See above. Mainly the kids pray that they won't get brained by that darned book again.

4. Explain your understanding of the Bible's instruction concerning authority in our lives.
We should listen to all burning bushes, for they have all of the answers?

5. For what reason(s) are you sending your child(ren) to a Christian school?
Because none of the atheist fuckers would take her?

Flame retardant clothes baby, that's what I am wearing this Sunday!!!!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Religion Can be Fun

A couple of years ago I surprised myself and those around me by joining a church. At the time it seemed a perfect fit for me. Things changed though and I found that this lovely place was no longer a haven that I felt a part of. I won't get into great detail but suffice it to say that I felt less than comfortable being ministered to by someone who kept ogling my rack.

At any rate, we have found a new church home and I think I may possibly have stumbled into the best possible fit ever. Seriously. Last Sunday, the pastor gave me a book, to help me navigate the particulars of this specific denomination...the book is AMAZING!

...the first thing that I noticed was a section on how to stay alert during services...among the suggestions? Pinch yourself. Excellent. Even better than that? I found a whole chapter devoted to "How to Avoid Getting Burned at the Stake". Apparently, if you believe that burning is imminent, you should wear flame retardant clothing...and if you actually wind up bound to a stake, you should request dry wood, because it will burn faster and hotter, resulting in a quicker, less painful death. Seriously, where else am I going to get helpful tips like these? I think if more people knew that church could help you with things like this, more people would go. Or maybe more witches at any rate.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Star (Pupil) is Born

Just like that..after more than a year of fighting, Sabrina is starting Kindergarten on Wednesday. She will be attending a very good Private School for the second half of the year, and in the fall, she will be attending first grade. And there is NOTHING that the district can do to stop her.

Sabrina - because she is Sabrina - is DELIGHTED. We are talking actual squeals of happiness. Her massive joy is derived mainly from the fact that she gets to wear "an outfit" for school...I know of no other child who would be so enthused by a dress code which insists she wear a plaid jumper I'm not surprised though. This was also the compelling reason to sign up for soccer last year.

I am happy-sad. I know that this is the best thing in the world for her. I know that she will do tremendously. I also know that I will miss spending my days with her so badly that it hurts.

Guess there is nothing left to do now but go and get a job. Anyone hiring?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Like a Groundhog, Only Fatter...

Yawn...I guess it is time to wake up from my long winter's nap...or at least that is what my mother and other devoted reader have been prodding me about...that the box has been decidedly empty as of late...and this simply will not do! So here I am, poking my head out, and checking to see if my shadow is there to greet me.

The last several months have been busybusybusy...nothing terribly exciting or unusual, just regular life type stuff...only more of it. Which is, I suppose better than regular life stuff only least if I operate under the assumption that less life stuff means less life. Anyway...

We are toying with the notion of me getting a job...well, some of us are toying with...others are impatiently tapping their foot, waiting for the job to come...I'll leave it to your fertile imaginations which one is which...

My ongoing battle with the school board is about to go nuclear...the principal & Assistant Superintendent have joined forces to try and prevent the girl child from entering first grade in the fall. I suppose I *should* or *could* be flattered that they think me formidable enough to need to forge an alliance to ensure my failure, but instead I am just pissed. I was left a message that, though much wordier, basically came across as "You gave birth to her, now get over it....we will make all of the decisions from here on out." If you know me, which most of you do (Hi Tonya!!), you know that I am waaaayyyy too possessive to put up with that. So now I am taking a three pringed approach to my new attack.

The first is collecting information from other school districts, that do make exceptions, and trying to get the documentation of their policies to present at a future school board meeting...which I will bring the girl child with me to...and perhaps have her read the policies to them?

The second is contacting private schools (and neighboring districts that are less pig-headed) to see if anywhere will accept her, halfway through the year as we are, so that our home district will have no choice but to accept her in the fall.

The third is to have her tested by a shrink, so that we can have her labeled as "Special Needs" as a gifted child..which leaves the district no choice but to make any accomodation for her that she requires.

All of these are, on some level repugnant to me, as I think that the way that the policy is being administered is retarded. If I, as a parent were to tell the district that I felt she wasn't ready to start school in the fall and that I wanted her to wait another year, nobody at the district level would challenge me. (And they admit this) Nobody would second guess my judgement as a parent and would instead readily defer to my understanding of my child. Because I am telling them that she is ready earlier than their policy allows however, my judgement as a parent is viewed as worthless. Apparently I am only qualified to comment on my child's shortcomings, not on her talents.

What they don't seem to understand is that, as her parent, her advocate, I will not stop fighting for what I feel is best for her. If I stop fighting on her behalf than I am at risk of failing her, and failure of that magnitude is not an option. I have alot more to lose in this battle than they, I will fight.