See, there is a reason that I was given that book when I was...
In order to enroll Sabrina in private school, we have to fill out a questionnaire...because it is a Biblically driven program, we have religious questions to answer...because I am me, I find it physically impossible to answer these questions without firmly planting my tongue in my cheek...and since this is a Christian Academy, they probably won't laugh at all...and because we need them to accept her, I wrote my answers in pencil, erased them and will have to hire a ghost writer to fill them out appropriately for me...
1. Explain your relationship with Jesus Christ.
He is my mother's cousin's husband's brother's mother-in-law's neighbor. So mostly we only see him at Easter and Christmas. Except this one time, when we both had a little too much egg nog, and went streaking through the neighborhood...and woke up naked in a jail cell together, with a really bad hangover...but it didn't mean anything, really...
2. What is the place of the Bible in molding values and discipline?
If you get just the right angle with it, it is wonderful for beating some sense into your kids with.
3. Describe the practice of prayer and Bible study in your lives.
See above. Mainly the kids pray that they won't get brained by that darned book again.
4. Explain your understanding of the Bible's instruction concerning authority in our lives.
We should listen to all burning bushes, for they have all of the answers?
5. For what reason(s) are you sending your child(ren) to a Christian school?
Because none of the atheist fuckers would take her?
Flame retardant clothes baby, that's what I am wearing this Sunday!!!!!