But I am not sure that I can even begin to muster up the energy to do it. And I am not entirely sure how safe it is to say it anyway. For one, saying things "out loud" is like ringing a bell. You can't unring a bell, and there is nowhere that is more out loud than the internet. For another thing, I am afraid to get to attached to an idea right now. I need to remain open minded and truly consider the paths that stretch out ahead of me. I know myself well enough to know that I can latch onto an idea and turn off every other possibility, and that is not a luxury or expense that I can afford right now.
The only thing that I do know is that here? This place that I am in right now? Its not good for me. It not good for my kids. And based upon how he acts, it is clearly not good for my husband. It cannot be possible for someone to be as unhappy as he apparently is and *not* need a change.
My heart is ripped into so many tiny shreds and I am so tired of hiding it. There has to be a way that I can take control of this situation and make it better. Before I can truly do that though, I need to have a few contingencies worked out. You can't make a threat that you aren't willing to follow through on, and I can't follow through on them, should I need to, without getting my ducks in a row.
I just wish that he even noticed that this was going on.